I’m sorry

I am sorry it is never enough I am sorry it is not right

I am sorry that everything I do is so wrong

you have pushed me to the edge and I am about to snap

I can no longer deal with all of the BS

I wish I had a supportive husband, who loves me and cares

I wish I had someone on my side

 

Advertisements

medical bills and expenses

Why are medical cost so expensive. I am one of many who do not get the care I need because of medical expenses, cost and insurance. I think if we are forced to have insurance it should cover the cost of medical needs.

My daughter is 8 years old and waiting on a kidney for a transplant. I make sure she has her medicine and medical supplies. But I take a back seat to her because she is my responsibility. I have a heart condition and had to have my difibrulator replaced due to malfunction. Of course the insurance company fought the expense the procedure was preapproved by insurance. I get stuck with a $65,000 bill but finally the insurance company paid a portion but with a great fight. Now I’m still expected to pay several thousand dollars. that I can’t afford. Now I have been avoiding my graves disease blood test I do annually and my cataract surgery I desperately need.

I take my blood pressure and heart strength medications daily but I need things I just can’t afford.

I went to the grocery store today and held my breath at the register in hopes that I could afford my groceries. Its a sad day at my house…

unloved

why do I bother to care, why do I bother to try

all he does daily is make me cry

when I was a kid I wished for some one to love me

how foolish I was to believe it could happen to me

 

he cant look at me he cant hug me he cant touch me

today I came home from a rough day that was the end of a very rough week

I put my arms around him and expected him to put his arms around me and hug me in return

he couldn’t do that

do you know how much that hurts

its hard for me to believe the person I love and live for cares so very little

everyday at work I look forward all day to coming home to him

only to be treated so poorly in return

I truly live for him

I am truly pained by him

…unloved

 

 

I am so tired of being the bad guy in our house. Because I am the responsible one in our household. I am the one who says- it’s bedtime, it’s time to take medicine, it’s time to brush your teeth. Seriously!? Why do I feel like the bad guy for being a responsible parent?! I was just scolded like I am daily for reminding our daughter. If it were up to my husband our daughter would not eat, sleep, take her meds, brush her teeth, take a bath… UGH!!!
He gets to have play time with her and I get to have struggle time… I make time with her to play and be silly, dance and sing but gosh I feel like I’m the bad guy everyday just for trying to do the right thing…why is this such a struggle?

I knew it was going to be a bad day

I knew it was a bad sign when he was drunk before 6pm
I knew he was a mess and it was going to be a rough night
it seems like I can do no right and he can do no wrong
every move I make is a step in the wrong direction
each time I try to do it better it is worse

I took the day off work to take my daughter to the doctor for her annual wellness check up, my blood pressure check up and to go to the bank.
I thought I was doing nothing wrong.

yes I understand she has missed several days of school between being sick and having to go to her specialist monthly.

After my doctor visit, after her doctor visit, I took her to lunch. I thought a Happy Meal would pep her up and I could send her off to school for the afternoon. Then she started playing the “I don’t feel so well card” I know she can make herself throw up on a cue. I didn’t want to push it. I took her home for some comfort and calm. Some mommy time just her and me and no doctors.

Then the storm came- he called and screamed at me because I missed his call. My phone was on silent and in my purse. He was furious. He grew even more angry as I told him she was not feeling well and I let her stay home with me. He was enraged as I told him I had to go to the bank to move money for her medical bills.

He came home and was irritable and irrational. There was no reasoning with him. So I avoided him as much as possible. Which worked fine until after dinner. After dinner- He started screaming at me telling me I am a “dumb ass” and I had no logical reason to take her to the doctor or have her out of school. He was screaming at the top of his lungs at me. I was cleaning up the kitchen, loading the dishwasher, washing the pots and pans and putting things away. I could take no more.

I told him I could not take him yelling anymore and that I was leaving until he calmed down or went to sleep. That set him off even more. This time shouting he wants a divorce if I “walk out”. My daughter started crying and screaming at this point. My beautiful 7 year old, baby girl. She is so sick and has so much to deal with besides this drunk father of hers screaming and name calling her mother. Now threatening with divorce.

Where will it go? where will it end? I don’t deserve this, my daughter doesn’t deserve to be put through this. It is mental abuse we endure from him daily. He is right, everyone else is wrong and he rules by intimidation.

The rest of the evening my daughter begged him to say he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it. He told her he wasn’t sorry at all. She told him he has a heart of stone as she cried.

I knew it was going to be a bad day- when he was drunk before 6 pm

be your own rock

Yesterday we went to the Children’s Hospital where my daughter will be having a transplant done within the next few months. First we had to meet with a counselor for a family assessment. I am not sure what the point was of meeting with her because she breezed over the important questions and spent too much time on the meaningless topics. She was supposed to focus on the mental well being of us and our daughter and what toll this has taken on our family. She asked us how we deal with our stress, I was unsure how to respond. I don’t have an outlet for it. I vent to my sisters because my husband refuses to communicate with me about it. I don’t think it is mentally healthy to keep it all inside. I guess I have higher expectations of him than he is capable of. I wish I could lean on him emotionally but instead I feel like I need to be strong for myself, him and our 7 year old daughter. I am strong for her and in front of her. I told her we can be brave together. I just wish I had someone to help me through my troubles. I feel like I have to be the family rock and glue. I have to be strong, brave and hold it together. I hope I don’t crash and fall. I must be there for my family, they need me.

Advertisements